Well, thanks for all of your support, but unfortunately me and vanessa have broken up again. I feel as though this time it is the last time.

Its just depressing that i had the best thing in my life and i ruined it.

Well, i am a little distraught, but i would be a liar if i say i saw it coming.

Love you all,

Derek

hey guys,

just another update into my wonderfull life.

First off, i finally got my Ipod Nano a few weeks ago and its awesome, i take it everywhere with me. it never leaves my side. i put ONLY the songs i like on it and its sweet cause i can put pics on it, so of course i have filled it with pics of all my favorite buds and of course vaness

school is going alright. i have like a straight A in my Differential Equations course which is insane because that is supposed to be my hardest class. the classes i am doing the worst in are actually the easiest ones, i just can't seem to donate time to studying for them.

me and vanessa are doing alright i guess. we are going through some pretty hard times. i am pretty sure that if i am just there for her as much as i can be and i just give it time everything should turn out fine. i am doing my best to be the best boyfriend i can be and i can honestly say i think this is the most in love with her i have ever been. she is everything that i have ever wanted and i seriously jepordized that with petty actions of lust. it really is pathetic. i think i have come to appreciate love as something delicate and fragile, i got so secure with our relationship that i decided to test its limits by investing in my carnal pleasures and neglecting vanessa, and i will never forgive myself for that. at a moment when she was completely in love with me, with all her body and soul, and i could have cared less. things have changed. she is everything to me right now and i refuse to let her go. i realise that it will take a while to earn back her trust and love but i am willing to stick it out. i pray for me and her every night (Prayer? from Derek? WTF? See next paragraph). I know that we will make it out of this because i have faith, and thats about all. I love you Vanessa, more than life itself, and i will go to any length to prove it.

yeah so that religious thing. the last few weeks/months i have been pretty depressed and lacked direction. one day when i was out running in the woods near my school i came across a path, both actual and figurative i guess. i followed the path and it went down a winding array of bushes rocks and trees until i came to a small clearing. at the edge of this clearing was a huge rock that hung periously over the edge of a cliff. I stood on the edge of the cliff and peared out over the open ocean in front of me. everything seemed so perfect and clear. i looked out over the vast landscape and all its beauty. i came to realise that out of this whole world that there is actually only one person for me. i also came to another realisation. the reilious one, i dunno what happened but ever since then i have been praying. i have felt much better since that day. i don't know if i really have a designated religion, i actually refuse to really label what i feel. i feel that your relationship with God is on a personal basis and that no label should ever be able to define that relationship. you don't need to be sheep under a shepard. your belief, faith and strength in your convicitons should be all that matters. people should try to be good to each other. i have been trying to give up some of my more pathetic habits.

i am trying to cut down on drinking, all though that has more financial reasons behind it than anything else, and i have also decided to stop masturbating. its kind of weird but i feel as though i can do it. sex is supposed to be something out of love that you have for a person. i think me and vanessa are going to stop having sex for a while. we started doing it out of love for each other. which was fine. but then it became more lust and carnal pleasure, don't get me wrong, there is nothing with having a great time while doing it, but i feel as though i was doing it for reasons that began to more detatched from the initial love i felt for her. and then i cheated on her, a terrible act that i will never live down. now, i think that in order for us to express ourselves sexually then we have to sit down and redefine our love. things are and have to be different this time. it really is wonderfull to fall in love with her again. it feels just like the first time i fell in love with her. i think about her every night and i still get the chills thinking about being with her. god i love her.

anyways, that is quite enough bantering. i miss all of my friends and i can't wait to see them again. oh yeah, i made a big ass picture wall with everyone on it and i have a picture of craig with his old goofy grin on his face and i almost teared up, god i miss him.

well have a good one youngins,

Derek

so why is it that whenever something feels as its going my way, life turns around and kicks me square in the ass? why do i deal with rejection by drinking myself into a sweet oblivion? i want more than anything that to fix what has gone wrong in my relationship. Honestly, vanessa is all that i ever wanted and i went and screwed it up. I have always seen a future with her but now i am not so sure. I am fully aware that i brought this onto myself, but good lord what i wouldn't do for a time machine. She means everything to me, and i feel as though i am loosing everything. Whenever i feel rejected, i drink, oh sweet sweet oblivion, please embrace me. I miss the innocence of being in highschool. so far i hate college and even more i hate what i have become and the future that i have ruined, i miss all of my friends. i can't wait to see you guys. i don't want to grow up.

Peas

Derek

p.s. i am nothing without my security, and right now, i dont exist

Craig, we all miss you and we are very proud of you. It takes a real humanitarian, somebody who cares so much about people, to try to do what you are doing. Your job will be to put your life before others. That is something that people do to get a medal of honor, but for you, it is in your job description. Your whole life you have been nothing but a compasionate and caring friend. I can say without any regret, that if i were in that water, i would want no one else but you to rescue me. I want you to know that it takes a real special type of person to do what you are doing and i will always be proud of you. You have always been like a brother to me before you were a friend. We all miss you and i think about you every day. I want to wish you all the luck in the worlf for your graduation on Thursday, and i wish i could be there to see it. We all love you Craig. Come visit soon.

With best regards and all love in the world,

Derek

Is anyone going to Warped Tour? I know i already posted this in MySpace i am just trying to get out to as many as you fucks as possible. I really want to go but i don't know if anyone else is going. I plan on partying the night before and i can almost promise that will happen. So in short, if you want to go, let me know.

Bitches

Derek

yeah so im thinking something sweet this weekend.

Some more volleyball possibly?

Texas Hold'em could also work, just as long as i don't go out in the first ten hands.

Anyways, comment if you want to do something.

Joe, i have a sweet book that i think you should read. Its right up your alley.



PEAS,

Derek

dress code for first day:
jeans
t-shirt
steel toed boots
hardhat
safety goggles
earplugs

hell yeah. that was sweet, i can't even explain to you in words how awesome the plant is. i am friggin gritty as fuck and all i did today was sign papers and watch training videos with the exception of maybe an hour where we got a tour of the plant. i was standing ontop of a massive smokestack. it was fucking crazy.

yesterday i found three skateparks within like ten minutes of here. i also met a few kids who are pretty chill. everything is within 5 minutes of walking from my condo: grocery store, CVS, subway, banks, various restaurants, a farmstand, some beautifull beaches. this is prime and all though this place doesn't have cable, i don't think i mind. im going to be out alot. hopefully i will find some people to party with. there is a pretty big scene down here from what i can see too. so thats pretty sweet. oh yeah, and im not getting drug tested, phew.

well, i miss all you guys but ill see you on some weekends maybe.

peas

Derek

nothing is more sobering then growing up before you are ready. im moving on saturday to an apartment of my own. to an actual job. most likely the type of work that i am doing for the rest of my life. sobering really is the best word. the twenty years that have consisted of my life so far have just been an immature haze anchored by my independence. once we graduate high school we like to say that we are free. that being in college is our independence. but really, college is just high school funded by our parents money. we aren't free at all, we just feel it. we are still almost completely tied to our parents. for the first time in my life, given that it is only temporary, i will be providing for myself. i like to think of it as an experiment for my life and my maturity. im not scared, im not upset. for the first time in my life i feel ready. i feel ready to wear a suit and tie and to work that 9-5. to pay my own rent, to buy my own groceries and to fall asleep by myself in a city where i have no friends. so much for a summer of reckless abandon.

i will miss my friends and most of all vanessa. it is sad to leave her behind. but she has a wonderful frame of mind about this, one that shows that i am building a plan for our future. no one knows for sure but i really would like her to be a part of my future. lord knows i have made many mistakes, enough for both me and her, but i want to give her the best life i can. she motivates me in everything i do and as long as i have her i know that i can make it.

i hope i get to come up on weekends and see everybody. i want you to all know that i will miss you all.

i also want craig to know that he is in my prayers, i am so proud of him it is hard to describe. talking about maturity, i don't think anyone saw it coming, but despite not taking the traditional path like the rest of us did, craig has grown up faster then all of us. i am proud of him for what he is doing for his future and for our country. god bless you craig.

maybe you guys will come visit me in CT.

love you all,

you bunch of assholes

Yeah, so i think i need to clarify something. Most of the responses that i have got back from my last entry have been "have i been a good friend" or people taking it personally that i called them a bad friend. I wasn't saying that all my friends suck. I was merely saying that being way up here i feel isolated from everyone else. You also have to take in account that i was a little depressed when i wrote that. So i am not calling anyone fake or anything like that. I was aiming more at the fakeness of being acquaitance with somebody who was once your friend. This is more directed to years ago. Like all of the child hood friends who you hung out with everyday are now so fake. You pass them on the street and you say "hey" merely because you feel compelled to. Its just bullshit is all and i miss that innocence of thinking that you could be best friends for ever. Apparently "ever" only lasts until you find someone better.

Yeah so last night was possibly one of the worst nights of my entire life besides that night that vanessa broke up with me. So my friends and i went to a club, which we had not done in a while. We drank on the way there, i got in and i was in there for an hour. At some point i made a CONCIOUS decision to go back out to the car and drink by myself and listen to MCR. I didn't just drink, i fucking engulfed. Things just went drastically down hill. I got more depressed and fucking drank more. The story ends with my friends finding me in the car with an empty bottle of vodka in one hand and fucking tears running down my face. I had no reason to even fucking cry. It was ridiculous. Luckily, the hospital didn't have to pump my stomach because my stomach is pretty good at doing it on its own. Today, physically i feel fine. I am still friggin depressed though and i have no reason to be.

I miss the innocence of being young. I miss not having to justify anything that i did. You didn't need reasons or excuses. Love was still a mystery. Frindships seemed like they would last a lifetime.

Now, I am aware that not only have i lost every signifigance of innocence but that i am almost completely and fully corrupt. Everything that i do has to have a reason to it. I have to know why where and when i did it. Don't get me wrong, love is still a fucking mystery to me, i just never know what i want. Friendships, don't even get me started on that catastrophe. If there is anyone out there who can say that they don't miss someone who was a really good friend and then for some reason or another, left them. I feel like that is how it always is for me. I can count all the people that i trust and feel comfortable with on one hand. I just feel like all my friends just fucking leave.

I guess i am starting to understand what it is like to be an adult. I look at my father an he has maybe three good friends who he hardly ever sees.

Friends are everything to me. and i seem to have none. I say all the time that i can't wait for this summer. But thats bullshit. I want it to be like the old times when every day i was out with some sweet friends doing something great.

I still need to get a co-op/internship. I have applied to like 20 different places and only 4 have gotten back to me. Guess what their answers were. I don't even know. Whenever i feel as though i got a promising lead it ends up being some corporate faggot waiting to kick me in the face. Honestly, these assholes can't even send me and email with a subject line that just says "NO" so i don't have to open the fucking thing. Its been 2 months since i applied to all these assholes and they still don't have the decency to respond to me. I have to do one this summer. If i don't, i have to do it when i graduate instead of working. When does that make sense? Oh well. Just another dissapointment as of late.

The only upside is i get out of this hellhole this wednesday and come home, whats it matter though cause i don't even have a fucking job?

Please don't patronize me by commenting and being all "blah blah blah, we will definetly hang out when you come home blah blah blah, even though i never intend to be there for you when shit goes wrong, blah blah blah, ttyl:)"

Cause if you plan on doing that you can just go fuck yourselves. I need solid friends who will be there for me when shit goes wrong. Someone ready to put their ass on the line for me. Im tired of fake ass people.

P.S. Go screw

If you are a fan of awesome movies that are totally anti-hollywood and have great cinematography then you best go see this movie. IT is amazingly sweet. It is basically Frank Miller's comic books brought to life, like they literally used the comic book as a script and made no deviations from it. Simply amazing.

I have made it my personaly mission to get as many people as i know to see it as many times as possible.

I have seen Sin City twice...

How many times have you seen it?

yeah so this was a very good weekend.

i kicked it off with a party for my friend ed's 20th birthday. it was epic. let me sum it up for you, we bought beer, and vodka and bacardi. and tons of it. i had my own 12 pack of Molson XXX which if you have ever head of it has twice the alcohol content of normal beer. yeah that stuff is rough but yet good, caused some fun. we played some drinking games and i warned everyone that the first one to fall asleep was getting majic markered, no one headed my warning. and so kevin ended up with dicks on his face. overall it was just epic. see the attatched pictures for some good laughs. im too lazy to lj cut so yeah here is the link to my newly formed picture page, go to it the pictures are so very worth it. http://community.webshots.com/user/howtoreachthesky

The nest day i went to Vanessa's school and we spent the night. it was awesome. we ended up getting back together and i think that this will be a big turn around for us and we are better off then ever. we went to the movies in boston and then we went out for ice cream at this place called coldstone. overall it was a sweet date. i have the same feelings for her that someone dating for the first time has. i know that i haven't been completely aware of her feelings and that i need to be more sensitive to any issues that might arise for her. bu i know i can do that and i can be more romantic because i know that she is worth it and i want to show her how much i care.

My mom got me a bitching iPod shuffle for my birthday which is awesome. its perfect for me because it only plays songs randomnly and doesn't have a display screen which is awesome because i like the surprise. it is super small and light and thus good for running and it is only a gig which is good because i don't have much more songs then that and if i did i probbly wouldn't like all the bands so its a great friggin present.

I am going back into ROTC after a brief leave because lately i have been feeling like my life is starting to come back together, not exactly stable but no close to falling over and fucking up some shit. so its all good for now. im still not to sure whether or not i want to go into the military and get my ass shot in iraq but ill cross that bridge when i come to it.

ah, i just realized i still have some beers and a whole bottle of bacardi left over.

cheers friends.

yeah so im going home to see vanessa this weekend. i dunno things look like they finally might be getting back on track. we have had a lot of miscommunication in the past so we are going to sit down and sort some things out between us. i have a feeling that everything will turn out well.

yeah, i have had a really bad cold lately, last night i drank about half a bottle of nyquil and i swear to god that i got drunk off it. i know it sounds fucked up but i remember getting out of bed and the room was spinning and i couldn't walk straight, i took like 3X the suggested dose or like 5-6 of those little cup things that kind of looks like shotglass. so now i have a nyquil hangover and its very weird. im not too sure how i feel about that.

so both valentines day and my birthday came and went without any big goings-on, they were kind of depressing actually. Valentines day is always depressing for me and my birthday just sucked. oh well, next year weill definetly be better/drunker which in turn i guess means better. i have drank every weekend for a while i think, i sort of look forward to it, i guess its cause this place is so damn depressing. Sometimes me and my room mate will just split a bottle of vodka and some beers just by ourselves just like sitting in our room watching TV which is totally not kosher because this is a dry campus but we just sit around and drink.

I want to get a tatoo, a word that has had a lot of meaning in my life. i know that i went to get it; tatooed right across my left pec but im not too sure what i want it to say. like i said it definetly should be something that i think has directed my life. I would to get the word "faith" tatooed in cursive there but people interpert faith to mean faith in religion too much these days and that is defiently not what faith means to me. to me faith means to have faith in people friends and family and just the outright faith in humanity and the fact that all people are essentially good or mean to be good. i think that is one frame of mind that has never wavered with me.

Ok so im re-editing this entry because right before i went to class i took some dayquil which i guess mixed with the huge amounts of nyquil i had the night before because i was definetly high. it was weird. like the blackboard was moviing around and everything and it just plain sucked. fluid mechanics doesn't make any sense as it is let alone when you are right fucking sideways. whatever.

oh yeah, i saw somkey and the bandit last night for the first time, its classic, probably one of my favorite movies now.

yeah so thats all i got for now

I guess things are realtively better with me and Vanessa. They are not back to status quo at all but never the less a little better. She has been absolutely miserable lately so i wanted to give her a call. I was talking to her friend at school online to see how she was doing and apparently she was not doing good at all. So i tried to call her but i made the mistake of telling her friend that before i did. And her friend called Vanessa before i could and kept her busy. I got back online and was like what the fuck was that all about. She said that she didn't want me to hurt her again. I was like what the fuck? Apparently Vanessa has neen in pain about our relationship since September, i don't really know what things i would have done to keep her in Misery since then. so i kept on trying to persuade her friend to let me talk to her but she would't. she just kep saying im not going to let you hurt her again. i mean seriously. i know vanessa better than she does and she doesn't even know me so who the fuck does she think she is? man i was pissed something fierce because as most of you know i have had some heinous shit going on in my life and vanessa is not just me lover but my best friedn right now. so i kind of really needed to talk to her and no matter what her friend wouldn't let me. it made me feel like an abusive boyfriend in one of those awkward after school specials. i hated that, it was a terrible feeling.

Anyways, after what was an hour of arguing with her friend she finally "allowed" me to talk to Vanessa. jesus that was retarded. so i talked to vanessa on the phone for like an hour. i just let her know that she doesn't have to be miserable right now. basically, she just has a self sexploration type of thing that she needs to go on and i let her know that thats fine. but she doesn't have to be me miserable because both me and her know that eventually when the time is right we will be back together. i don't have faith in many things, but she is one of the only things that i do have faith in, which is something completely new to me. hopefully she will realize that she doesn't have to torture herself while she fugures this stuff out.

Anyways i asked her friend when Vanessa would be ready to come back to me and she said i was looking at 1-3 months. jesus christ i was thinking maybe a couple weeks. its kind of depressing to be without her for that long but if i have to wait 10 years for her to feel ready again then i will.

oh well. c'est la vie

so yeah, lets talk about the shittiest week of my life. So first of all Vanessa broke up with me. fucked up huh? yeah i cried for twostraight hours in my one of my friends arms. i really wish i was not me right now or at least dead. don't worry, im not going to committ suicide or do anything selfish like that. i don't want to give my roomate the easy A.

but yeah so what else has happened might you ask. so yeah my dad works in a factory and can't even afford to send me to college let alone my brother and sister. my dad wouldn't tell anyone else but my whole family has been counting on me to get a scholarship so that my brother ans sister could go to college. they need to go to college. someone like me is a survivor and will make it through life without a college education. but they wouldn't. and guess what? im not going to get that scholarship because i got all C's last semseter even though i tired my hardest and saw a tutor every chance i got. Do you know what it is like to ruin the future of two people very close to you? i bet you don't.

hmmmmm what else. oh yeah i tore my rotator cuff from Pting (physical training) too much to try to get that damn ROTC schoalsrhip and now i can't PT anymore and im not going to get the scholarship. Hows that for irony.

Oh yeah and i have no friends up here.

Oh yeah and i fucking miss my family that i failed.

Oh yeah, i drank wayyyyy more than my body can handle cause im sooooooo depressed. we are lloking at a bottle of vodka. my friends are saying something about the hostpital but i think im fine. haha. awesome huh?

i lovedher sooo much. want to hear something really fucked up? i was going to ask her to marry me this summer on a trip that i have been working extra jobs in the machine shop to save up for. i have been looking for rings and everything. god i am so naive. she has done this tom twice already. why not a third? fuck it. why do i even bother. so yeah. im an emotional wreck right now. she didn't even know all of the other shit that has been happening in my life cause i didn't tell her but me ruining both my brother and sisters future and failing them and my father who already misses nights in a row of sleep to pay for my college plus permanantly tearing a muscle in my shoudler and almsot failing my classes.

wow. could it get worse. yeah, spo my friends want me to go to the hosptial cause i guess i had more to drink than o though oh well.another day in my life. i hope i wake up tomorow. i love you all and i hope i get to see you sometime in my life again.

all women think that all guys want is sex. this is not completely true. i will tell you right now their are two things that a guy wants more than sex. one of them is to be involved in some sort of adventure/misadventure involing guns and a bank heist. the other is to own a monkey. and if they could be involved in a bank heist in which their monkey drives the getaway vehicle, then they are set for life.

for real, has any guy out there for no reason whatsoever said out loud "id like to have a monkey". i think ever guy at one point in their life has. and guys spend all day thinking about a way their the boring situatuion that they are involved in could turn into an oppourtunity in which they could save everyone around them. every guy at one point also thinks while they were sitting in class that if a dude were to bust through that door with a gun i would kick his ass and save the whole class and it would be in super slow motion and i would get a key to the city and a medal and be in newspapers and be like a hero and stuff. if guys think about sex once every six seconds or something, then the rest of those five seconds id spent thinking about monkeys and sweet adventures.

yeah so the AT told me that he thinks i have a strained rotator cuff. what am i friggin pedro martinez? he said that means no pushups or pullups or anything like that until he is sure that thats what it is. and if it is that, then i am not able to do any of those things for like 2 months. im used to doing that every day cause thats all that marines do. im going to fall way behind on my pt and whenever anyone else is doing pushups or stuff like that, i have to do ab stuff. at least ill have washboard abs. sweet.

yeah so another fucked up thing. if i don't get my scholarship im coming home. most likely transfering to lowell. im really just kind of tired of this shit. i really hate maine its so goddamn depressing. oh well. i really don't think ill be getting that scholarship so expect to see a lot more of me. for some of you thats good and for others...

i just had a pretty good weekend with vanessa i think we may have resolved some of the problems we have been having which is always good. also at lowell i will be closer to her and thats really good cause i could like easily spend the rest of my life with her.

school in general is messed up. i don't know what the fuck i am doing in my major. im like the dumbest kid in my major. all the kids took like AP calc in high school and shit and like AP physics in highschool and even they are struggling. yeah i have never taken phyiscs before and definetly only took precalc in highschool so i have no idea what the fuck is going on. my fluids mechanics teacher did a triple integral the other day. i almost committed suicide with just my ballpoint pen. fall on it samurai style.

well thats my jaunt for now.

yeah so another thing that i have noticed is that i as a fucking hypocrite. can anyone honsetly ever say that i never gave them shit about drinking. then over night i decide i don't give a damn. so much for that horseshit. i was hoping i could at least make it until i was 21. whatever. yeah so i have been drinking every weekend since like before thanksgiving. uh yeah, last weekend, i went to my moms house and got smashed, while she was there, and she didn't even care. she said it was fine as long as i gave her and my 16 year old sister some beer and got drunk while they were there and they did the same. thats totally fucked. the old me would probably have killed a fucking town for that shit. the whole time i just sat there, in a daze, not even happy or drunk or any emotion. i barely even existed. it was like i just kind of sat there like i was watching from the corner of the room and no one knew i was there. my roomate started choking on his own vomit when he ran into the bathroom and he started screaming for help as he clung to the edge of the toilet, we all just sat there and watched no one looked shocked, or frightenend. everybodys faces were just blank. no one got up to help him. we just sat there like we were watching a fucking terrible movie and we didn't want to leave early cause we already paid 20 bucks for a ticket and some shitty popcorn that some kid probably used as a toilet. its not like i feel a need to drink, its just that its there. it doesn't "help me relieve pain" or "escape my troubles" or any of that bullshit. its just there, and i just do things without even thinking about what i am doing or even enjoying them. fuck it. but phil is right, action heroes don't worry about that shit, they just kill and move on. that is also fucked up. in about 3 years it is most likely that i would have killed somebody. spilt there blood, for politics they i don't necessarily agree on. but ill do it anyways, why? i dunno. but god knows i will do it willingly and without hesitation.

Has it ever been so cold that your contacts froze to your eyeballs? Yeah that happened to me. Fucking Maine.

There is an Emery show on February 5th. I suggest people accompany me. This goes out to Jay, Brendan, Sean and Craig mostly and anyone else who is a fan of Emery. If you haven't heard of them, then i suggest that you listen to them.

So i called Vanessa the other day cause i was depressed about not seeing her at which point she told me that she made the crew team which practices 6 days a week, meaning i would be seeing her a lot less, and that she wouldn't be able to see me on Spring Break. I dunno maybe it was just bad timing but it didn't seem to help my depression and i think i may have upset her. I mean i was really proud of her cause she worked so hard to get it and she finally did even this day in the game. I think my depression may have seen like it was taking away from her accomplishment. Was i overreacting? probably. Fucking college.

So as a result, I am looking for some sweet Spring Break Plans. I am feeling something epic. That would be nice.

Lately, i have been feeling as though i have no direction. Hey im a college student. But every day i have a battle over whether the military is really what i want to do, or if i really want to be an engineer, or if i want to go to this school, if i am happy with my friends and family and if i am happy with my life, who i am and where it is going. I dunno. I just have had this odd feeling as if i don't exist. Like i don't matter, like i could just walk right through somebody if i felt like it, like a ghost.

Gah. Such is the life of a teenager. I wish i was retired already and i haven't even started working.